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I Endorse Curt Schilling for Congress Because I Want Everything to Get Way Worse | ADAM BOMB

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 27:  Former ESPN Analyst Curt Schilling talks about his ESPN dismissal and politics during SiriusXM's Breitbart News Patriot Forum hosted by Stephen K. Bannon and co-host Alex Marlow at the SiriusXM Studio on April 27, 2016 in New York, New York.  (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images for SiriusXM)
Cindy Ord/Getty Images

There's too much division in this country. What happened to discourse as we grew up with it, right, people? Oh, that golden age everyone loves to remember that for sure existed, where Republicans and Democrats used to sit down, drink coffee together for eight hours, then take turns operating the crank to make Big Water flow down into our pipes and cups.

I miss that America.

Well, folks, we can have that again. We can take our country back by electing Curt Schilling to Congress out of the very OK state of Arizona, a real thing that apparently could happen.

We're so lucky to have Schilling as a potential candidate. In fact, he's at the TOP of my list of "Former 1990s Starting Pitchers I'd Elect to Political Office," right above Greg Harris, Doug Drabek, and Terry Mulholland.

Schilling is the perfect boorish voice for this political climate. Need someone to quell mass shootings, an ever-present problem that isn't currently being dealt with in any capacity? Send Curt to Congress, and I guarantee he'll publicly declare each and every mass shooting a hoax. It'll be like they never even happened! Done and dusted. That's certainly easier than thinking they happened, right, folks? We love to think about things that happened, then say they didn't.

Or what about the Fake News media?! We hate them too, right? Our No. 1 problem is people who write stuff, that's abundantly clear based on where we're at right now.

Well, Curt can help there, too! In fact, he thinks journalists being lynched would be "awesome."

That's the kind of energy our congress is lacking right now.

The only potential problem with Schilling's candidacy -- truly, the only one, believe me, I've checked -- is that, if elected, he could never be left alone with the representatives from Rhode Island, a state he bankrupted via his failed video game company.

But hey, Rhode Island is just one tiny state. Do they even let Rhode Island representatives do government, anyway? I feel as if they do not. And, plus, no one ever gives Schilling credit for the awesome video game idea he forced the state to sink $75 million into. Get this: It's called "Sockdor's Revenge," and it takes place in a fantastic realm where you sort of just wander around and wait for a journalist or two to get lynched.

Don't you want the America our fathers left behind? An America where kids came home from school at 3:30, rang the Dinner Bell, drank three full glasses of milk apiece, and stared at the sun until it went away. An America where a man was free to be a man. An America where anyone could put ketchup on any sock and call it blood, accuracy be damned (those two substances are different).

So come on, Arizona. Make the informed, educated call, and vote for Whoever the Other Candidate Running Against Curt F***ing Schilling is.

Dammit, screwed it up again. Right at the last second.