Hello, hello. Thank you. Thank you. No, th--thank you, everyone, thank you. OK, settle down. Set--no, no, that's very kind, thank you, everyone standing and applauding, oh my goodness, thank you. It means so much to me. That was the longest standing ovation anyone's ever had.
When I first became the President of the United States, I said, "You know what? I'm not going to do a bracket. Not for me. Don't need to." But it's really been weighing on me, I have to tell you. And now I'm feeling like I have to do one. It's true, I really think so. And it's going to be so good, you won't believe. Such a good bracket. We're going to make it way better than Obama's ridiculous shadow brackets, OK?
So, here it is. My real bracket. Nobody wiretap this, OK?
6. East Region
Duke is going to win this region, OK?
And let me first say that the media has been very unfair to Duke. Just like Nordstrom was very unfair to Ivanka. Duke's a two seed, not a one seed, and I feel like that's just because they're associated with me. And that's not good business, folks. Stephen Miller is a great guy, and he went to Duke. Have you ever seen him blink? He's, like, the best kind of worm. He met Richard Spencer at Duke, and although I simply can't endorse Richard Spencer, I will say that he's an amazing man that I love.
Duke over Villanova in the Elite 8, even though I did win Pennsylvania, so that's very impressive.
5. West Region
OK, I'm so sorry, folks, but I have no idea what Gonzaga is. Is that a Muslim prayer? Do they praise Gonzaga? I hear it's in Washington, which honestly should secede with California, folks. Tell Gonzaga if they secede, I win the popular vote.
We need to get all the Bad Hombres out of Arizona, folks. That's just so obvious. It's clear as a bell. Bing bing. That was a bell. Just can't pick them. Too many Bad Dudes.
It's Florida State for sure. Have you been to Mar a Lago, folks? You can't go wrong. You can eat the best shrimp cocktail I've ever had, or you can take a selfie with the nuclear football. So many great party stories. The president of South Korea is always there. Seriously, folks. Florida's the best state, and Florida State is the second-best place in the best state.
4. Midwest Region
This region is a joke, OK? It's honestly a joke. Vermont? Sorry, Bernie Sanders, but you know this is going to be rigged against you too, OK?
Kansas is the best team, but they're just so boring. No flash. Who's interested in Kansas? I'm thinking of picking Louisville just because it's so close to Bowling Green, and those people just had to go through that terrible massacre. Just an awful massacre. What a bad, bad situation. Kellyanne keeps telling me to pick Louisville. The Nevada Wolfpack is interesting to me. Steve Bannon always tells me we're in our own little wolfpack together. It's very nice of him to say, Steve's a very nice man. But Nevada sucks. It's like a worse Atlantic City, which is very good, by the way.
Oh, Miami's in here? Going with my Miami. Florida is an incredible state.
3. South Region
Let me get this off my chest: UCLA gets a BIG fat NO from me. No California, no chance, alright? Bill Walton needs to get out of this country.
This might be a good time to remind you to buy Ivanka's stuff, OK? Nordstrom was so unfair to her. You should check out her stuff, really. It's great stuff. Handkerchiefs, other stuff, you name it.
Can't pick UNC because Stephen Miller would fire me as President. Can't have that, OK? It's Kentucky, and my good friend Coach John Calipari. Great guy, a great friend. He promised to buy Ivanka's stuff and I'm sure he will.
2. Final Four
Duke over Florida State, OK? I'm so sorry, Florida State, but Duke...I mean, you just don't have a chance. I mean, you don't have a chance. Grayson Allen, Luke Kennard, all of the other guys...I mean, wow. Rhett Plumlee's amazing. Wait, is that not a guy? So sorry, assumed there were more Plumlees. It has to be Duke here.
Even though Grayson Allen's dad killed JFK.
Other side, it's Miami-Kentucky. Giving the edge to South Florida here, even though my friend, golfer Bernhard Langer, swore he saw a bunch of people voting illegally down there. Even though that's a state I won. Yeah, sometimes even I confuse myself when I think about why I care about some stuff. Why do I care about that? I don't know, but I do.
1. National Championship
Wow, this is an incredible matchup, OK? You've got Miami with the amazing freshman Bruce Brown? Their guards play a Trump brand of defense, folks. They'll cook you like Trump Steaks. And plus, the interior presence is hard to match, alright? And that coach, he's really someth--
OK, it's Duke. I'll save you the time. It's Duke. Duke is the official basketball team of the Trump Administration. We're working on the copyright, OK? This'll be like the Super Bowl. Duke will be down by 25 points, I'll go to sleep, then they'll win. And my good friend Grayson Allen will come to the White House, OK? Don't we all want that? Harry Giles can go visit Obama at the Shadow White House. We don't need him. Huge disappointment.