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Trade Myles Garrett to the UFC So He Can Knock Out Greg Hardy and Come Back a Hero | ONE AND DUNN

CLEVELAND, OHIO - NOVEMBER 14: Defensive end Myles Garrett #95 of the Cleveland Browns walks off the field after being ejected from the game during the second half at FirstEnergy Stadium on November 14, 2019 in Cleveland, Ohio. The Browns defeated the Steelers 21-7.  (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)
Pittsburgh Steelers v Cleveland Browns | Jason Miller/Getty Images

I spent the early portion of this week pondering what needed to happen next in the sad, demoralizing tale of a stupefying pass rusher who's made headlines for attacking people, teeth-gnashing UFC failson Greg Hardy. Now, as we race toward the obligatory ritualistic pint-swilling that marks quittin' time on a Friday, I'm stuck thinking about an entirely different pass-rusher whose violent riffs have arrested the news cycle: Myles Garrett, he of the NFL's latest indefinite suspension.

And perhaps it's due to the fact that I've passed caffeine's event horizon from which even photons cannot escape, but I believe I've found the perfect pick for Greg Hardy's next fight. No, it's not Derrick "My Balls Was Hot" Lewis. It's freaking Garrett.

Think about it: Hardy is mere days removed from what was his first defeat as a professional mixed martial artist, but his performance against ranked heavyweight Alexander Volkov was competent. I hate to acknowledge that he's earned relevant fights against relevant fighters, but he has. And for better or for worse, who's a more relevant belligerent right this minute than the man in the Cleveland Browns' No. 95 jersey? He ripped off an opposing player's helmet and successfully bludgeoned him with it. That makes Greg Hardy's illegal knee against Allen Crowder back in January seem like child's play.

But the reason these two need to fight in the Octagon isn't simply due to their penchant for rule-breaking. No, it's to serve an even higher purpose -- ensuring that Hardy finally gets knocked out for the first time in his career.

Few human beings in the fight game deserve a stiff, abrupt KO more than the former Panther and Cowboy, whose objectionable public career includes troubling domestic violence allegations and a veritable lifetime's worth of speaking out of turn. Garrett's behavioral rap sheet *in no way* compares to Hardy's even despite last night's abhorrent scenes, but what better way to get him back into the good graces of football's rank and file than to see him execute an inch-perfect spinning heel kick to ol' Greg's dome piece?

(A kimura or an armbar would be sweet, too, but we won't expect too much of Garrett's grappling so early on in his MMA career.)

Now that Hardy has his first L in the Octagon, the next logical step is to see him properly cut down to size with a knockout his blasphemous behavior practically begs for. So, now that he doesn't have football to worry about, Myles Garrett is the perfect candidate to give him just that. Time to get John Dorsey and Dana White in a room to hash this out!

Come on, boys: Myles to the UFC in exchange for cash considerations and a judoka to be named later. Who says no?