Steve Pearce's Retirement Confirms the Red Sox Are the Luckiest Team in History From 2004-Present

Steve Pearce retired on Tuesday morning, meaning the Boston Red Sox 2018 World Series MVP is no longer playing professional baseball.

Dang, 2018? That was recent! The World Series MVP from just over a year ago retiring has to be a huge bit of news. Well...nope.

It's not. Because Pearce wasn't very good at baseball, and will be largely forgotten, outside of the cabal of New England states that luck into having a *new* Pearce on their team, bulldozing to a World Series title once every, oh, three years or so.

Pearce generally mashed lefties throughout his career, and had a good 2014 season in Baltimore, hitting .293 with 21 homers. Then he lost his way a bit as he aged, but recovered to drill seven homers in 50 games with the 2018 Sox, three of them in one game against the Yankees.

His World Series was thermonuclear -- .333, three homers, eight RBI, and a monster Game 4 that featured a game-tying blast in the eighth and bases-clearing smack in the ninth. He won the hardware. They re-signed him. Then he hit .180 and retired. Lucky. Bastards.

Because by no means is tripping ass-backwards into the best month of Steve Pearce's life, one in which he greatly outplayed Manny Machado, the only luck-out the Red Sox have received. In fact, their entire history is based on low-level MLB replacement players drinking Michael's Special Stuff and dunking from the free-throw line, especially in October.

There was 2004, when a Dave Roberts stolen base helped send them to the World Series. A World Series which they all but secured in Game 1, thanks to the home run heroics of Mark Bellhorn. Bellhorn homered twice in the ALCS and hit .300 in the World Series. He only played three more MLB seasons, and never hit over .210 again.

Curt Schilling won a crucial game in that ALCS with his ankle wound wide open, spilling premium Grade A Heinz on his white stirrup. Did the Yankees bunt on him once? They did not. Boston's lucky Joe Torre was a gentleman, too.

Then, in 2007, the biggest free agent mistake in recent Sox history, JD Drew, changed Game 6 of the ALCS not with a dinky single, but with a grand slam to dead center. Fausto Carmona, the Indians' best pitcher throughout the season, forgot about the whole "pitching" thing. Kenny Lofton, one of the fastest players in the history of the game (??) was HELD at third as the tying run in Game 7 (?!?!?) before Boston poured it on and won 12-2.

This is all so categorically stupid.

Then, in 2013, Shane Victorino and Jonny Gomes blistered the Sox offense forth towards a third title of the era. Victorino, washed up at 31 in Philly and LA in 2012 (he hit .261 and .245) found his flair for the dramatic, ripping the ball to the tune of a .294 mark with 15 homers in '13, and struggling mightily in the postseason, but not mightily ENOUGH to prevent him from hitting an ALCS-winning grand slam off Max Scherzer. He had a cute walk-up song. All lucky Red Sox have a cute walk-up song. Gomes, who flexed, preened, and burped his way to cult hero status, hit .118 in the World Series. He also tied Game 4 with a solo homer and pivoted the series.

Oh, and Joaquin Benoit, needing only to NOT give up a grand slam to David Ortiz up 5-1 in the eighth trying to steal two wins at Fenway, threw a hanging changeup on a platter and did exactly that thing. Every. Playoff. Run. There's 10,000 of these.

Then, there was Pearce. There was Brock Holt hitting for the cycle in the ALDS against the Yankees. Next year, there'll be backup catcher Erik Kratz. Or perhaps Rick Ankiel will come back and combine to pitch a two-hitter in the World Series, backing himself up with a pair of home runs. Maybe JD Drew unretires?

People like to argue, "Well, don't the Yankees do this, too? Who the F is Gio Urshela?" This would be a valid argument, if the Yankees' randos were ever able to continue this into October and win titles. People also like to ask, "Doesn't Boston deserve a little luck? Remember the 86 years?" To which I say, "The 86 years when the Celtics were racking up the most titles in NBA history?" Also, there's a difference between a "little" and this 16-year deal with the devil.

I'm not sure why 36-year-old journeymen arrive in Boston, get so "inspired" they squeeze the last bit out of their juice boxes and hulk out for three title-winning weeks, then retire to a place on the Cape. I just wish the rest of the league could figure it out. Who knows? Perhaps someday we'll discover something that invalidates all this, like whatever the Patriots have been doing at home games for the past two decades. A man can dream, after all.

Hey, Steve Pearce is gone. That means at least one of my dreams has come true.