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50 Boring Things That Are Still More Exciting Than the Blachowicz-Jacare Suckfest in Sao Paolo

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - JULY 06: Jan Blachowicz of Poland  looks on after defeating Luke Rockhold of the United States by TKO in their UFC 239 Light Heavyweight bout at T-Mobile Arena on July 06, 2019 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images)
UFC 239 Blachowicz v Rockhold | Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

This one didn't end in a split draw. But that doesn't mean there were any real winners. In the case of the main event at Saturday's UFC Fight Night in Sao Paolo, we are all losers.

Big, stinking losers who will never get those 25 minutes of our wretched lives back.

Sure, Jan Blachowicz technically got the W, but the fight itself was like watching molasses do its taxes. It was like watching paint grow and grass dry. I believe it's possible that Ronald "Jacare" Souza is actually a freestanding coat rack.

So, why did I waste my time watching Blachowicz vs. Jacare when I could have been doing something productive, like reading the back of a cereal box? With that in mind...

50 Lame Things That Are Still More Interesting Than the Jan Blachowicz vs Jacare Souza Fight

1) "True Detective" Season 2
2) The way your voice sounds on recordings
3) Imagine Dragons
4) Milwaukee
5) White people talking about "keeping that same energy"
6) Jaundice
7) Stopping the microwave manually
8) Saying "nothingburger"
9) Armie Hammer
10) Rehearsing what you'd say if you were on "Conan"
11) Microtransactions
12) Salespeople upselling you on gold-tipped HDMI cables
13) Timothy Dalton
14) Veggie chips
15) The end of that movie "Contact"
16) There is no No. 16
17) Triathlons
18) James Milner
19) Padme flirting with 9-year-old Anakin in "Episode I"
20) Talking about your fantasy team
21) The Killers
22) Triathlons
23) Hyperthyroidism
24) A pooping stalemate
25) Rick Reilly

26) Board game night at the Romney compound
27) Richard Dreyfuss' knitting newsletter
28) Asceticism
29) Shin splints
30) Cheap pencil erasers that don't actually [expletive]ing erase anything
31) Sleepwalking
32) Sleepgambling
33) A friend who never takes fart responsibility
34) Smuggling controlled substances through airport security
35) Calling it "making love"
36) That whisper-shouting thing Orlando Bloom does in like every movie
37) Doge memes
38) "Just checking" behind the shower curtain
39) Hopelessly blowing into a Nintendo cartridge
40) Hypochondria
41) Sudoku toilet paper
42) Al Gore
43) Saying "Feb-u-ary"
44) Tom Hanks' Robert Langdon hair
45) Pretending you've read that book
46) Mike Pence in a cardigan drinking a glass of warm milk
47) Staten Island
48) Trying to track a package even though you know it hasn't shipped yet
49) Drake, I guess?
50) Hating to see it