NFL Week 2 Predictions 2019

Are you ready for some football?! You were last week. Then you watched the Patriots waltz all over the competition, and got un-ready all over again.

Well, Week 2 should be different. The Pats have the..............historically terrible Miami Dolphins. Onward! Here's what we expect to see, with several teams already in panic more after not-ideal debuts.

Buccaneers at Panthers

After a much-ballyhooed Packers-Bears rivalry matchup to kick off the Thursday night slate turned into a heap of flaming Matt LaFleur dump-offs and Trubisky non-football plays, watch this seemingly-terrible game be the one that actually delivers. Greg Olsen will likely be active as Cam Newton's security blanket, and Jameis Winston showed us a whole bunch of the same nonsense in an all-important contract year. With no FitzMagic to bail him out, Carolina gets their first win of the year against an eternally undermanned squad.

Panthers 34, Bucs 14

Cardinals at Ravens

Kyler Murray, the gunslinger with intangibles who's just a natural winner...tied in Week 1. So, there goes that. After Lamar Jackson's evisceration of Miami, this line jumped all the way to an ungodly 13 points. I'd wager to say Murray can rally in the fourth quarter again and manage a backdoor cover, but even though Baltimore will certainly step back from last week's best case scenario, they should handle this before the Hollywood Handbook emerges on how to handle Marquise Brown.

Ravens 28, Cardinals 20

Cowboys at Redskins

The Dallas Cowboys looked legitimately electric showing Kellen Moore's offense off against the New York Giants, a team that honestly probably won't look quite as bad this week. Washington started off their season in the most exceptional way possible, proving to have a real downfield threat in Terry McLaurin, and won't be scared of their rivals.

Unlike against New York, there's a real pass rush here. Ignore the Carson Wentz second-half set of miracles; this is an upset special.

Redskins 24, Cowboys 21

Colts at Titans

The Colts showed surprising effort in Week 1 to those who hadn't paid attention to Jacoby Brissett the past few years; he's more than capable of leading an offense. It was confusing to see how uninvolved the team's tight ends were, though, and Brissett would do well to lean on a security blanket against a Titans team that just did a pretty great job of eviscerating Baker Mayfield and closing off his top wideouts. Tennessee doesn't wow you, but they should bask in the glory of finally getting Andrew Luck out of their way.

Titans 21, Colts 13

Seahawks at Steelers

Desperation, thy name is Pittsburgh. After watching the Browns post the most disappointing performance of the weekend, then seemingly deciding to top it, the Steelers fans will be quite impatient if the offense never arrives to the home opener. Russell Wilson and the 'Hawks bizarrely had trouble putting away a Bengals team at home that shouldn't qualify as frisky, failing to wow onlookers who were expecting a whole lot more. The Steelers usually play down to the competition, but when they need a strong home performance against top-level talent, they get it.

Steelers 31, Seahawks 27

Bills at Giants

Buffalo opened up their season at MetLife Stadium against the Jets, presumably went home for, like, a day, and will now return to the very same stadium for Take 2 against the G-Men. Week 1 brought a Buffalo comeback victory, and the Giants have never been able to contain a mobile quarterback since the day the franchise was birthed. Remember the year they won the Super Bowl, and even Vince Young torched them? Vince Young on PHILLY?! Until they come up with a way to contain Josh Allen (trying anything at all might be helpful!), we're going to predict another frustrating series of blown leads. Hopefully, we'll be (wide) right.

Bills 24, Giants 20

49ers at Bengals

You will not be reading this section of this predictions piece. This is the point at which you'll navigate to a different tab, get angry about a tweet, and get so distracted you forget to return. It's OK. Jimmy Garoppolo doesn't look even 50% "back" yet, and the Niners are travelling a bizarre route to kick off their campaign. Andy Dalton, who really did look good last week, takes advantage.

Bengals 28, 49ers 17

Chargers at Lions

The Chargers are so cursed with injury luck that it's almost like their stadium was built on an Indian burial ground-- an Indian burial ground that's absolutely dominated by opposing fans. It'll be a relief to be on the road this week against the Fightin' Matt Patricias, even without Hunter Henry, or Derwin James roaming the perimeter, or Melvin Gordon in the backfield...

On the other hand, however:

Kerryon Johnson simply HAS to be more involved this week, right? How could he not be? Nothing has gone right for Los Angeles thus far in 2019, except for what's on the scoreboard. In years past, they'd drop this one. For some reason, they take it home again at the wire.

Chargers 33, Lions 30

Vikings at Packers

Ooh, meaty! It's the team that showed us very little offense in Week 1 after a coaching overhaul facing off against the team that showed us...surprisingly a ton of offense Week 1, after changing very little structurally! The return of Dalvin Cook firestarted Kirk Cousins and company, but heading on the road to Lambeau is a different beast. Aaron Rodgers needs a splashy Week 2 more than Cousins needs a follow-up; expect more Aaron Jones, and more targets for Rodgers' threats downfield.

Packers 31, Vikings 17

Jaguars at Texans

We're not sure what tickled Gardner Minshew's mustache last week, but the man played the second half against the Chiefs like his body was coated with chili powder. However, it's possible nobody had a more impressive Week 1 under significant duress than Deshaun Watson, who walked away with nothing to show for his trouble other than significant bruising, which nobody wants to look at.

This week, it's redemption for the gunslinger.

Texans 41, Jaguars 24

Patriots at Dolphins

Brian Flores knows the Patriots inside and out, so hopefully that informs his decision to put down his playbook, walk directly out the door of Hard Rock Stadium, and wander into the ocean, never to return/watch this shellacking.

Patriots 51, Dolphins 6

Chiefs at Raiders

Kansas City's final visit to the old Black Hole! Certainly, the absence of Tyreek Hill, mixed with the Raiders' surprisingly impressive Week 1 performance against a top-flite Broncos defense tightens the gap here. Only one problem: in their first victory of the campaign, Oakland's secondary was decimated, losing Gareon Conley and rookie Johnathan Abram at first blush. That'll do them in against a Chiefs team that certainly doesn't lack for weapons.

Chiefs 38, Raiders 21

Saints at Rams

The first time these two teams have ever played, per the NFL! They sent me three emails reminding me to refer to this matchup as such. Weird. Happy to help, though!

With this edition being played on the road in Los Angeles, I'm expecting to see a similar all-out aerial attack from both sides, akin to whatever we watched between the Rams and Chiefs last year, before everything disintegrated by the Super Bowl. Shootout, please!

Rams 48, Saints 45

Bears at Broncos

The Vic Fangi-Bowl! Denver's flat play in Oakland might've been as disheartening as Mitchell Trubisky's blatant regression and inability to solve Mike Pettine's game plan/go to his left.

By far the hardest game to pick, and I'm not just saying that to make Matt Nagy feel better. What do you do when all 106 men on the field disappointed you so much just a few days back? Until Nagy proves to me that he understands the concept of "running backs" and knows it's perfectly legal to use them, I'm going to pick against his one-dimensional offense, especially if they're going to have trouble breathing at this altitude.

Broncos 20, Bears 14

Eagles at Falcons

If Philadelphia can bottle their second half from the season opener and spritz it on themselves throughout the season, they may yet justify my Super Bowl pick. Atlanta, on the other hand, a team I went out of my way to suggest would challenge the Saints for NFC South supremacy, seems inexorably broken by 28-3. I can't explain it. Their wideout corps is spectacular. They got Calvin Ridley! Matt Ryan had a near-MVP campaign last year, stats-wise. And yet, the offense is...the problem? Sorry, but you're the wrong birds this week.

Eagles 35, Falcons 20

Browns at Jets

If the Browns can't get a win against a team that just lost their starting QB to mono and sent their starting RB into the MRI tube, who can they get one against?

If Baker Mayfield can't capture this victory, his vaunted Browns are going 0-4, with a home date with the Rams and road trip to the Ravens looming. They'll win this for The Land...and then fall to 1-3 anyway, which isn't much better.

Browns 34, Jets 10