​"I can do anything I want!" is the last bastion of the unremarkable man in charge. It's the final thing that all the worst people we have scream in vain right before they're stripped of their power, if society is just.


And it was ​MLB umpire Ron Kulpa's refrain after ejecting Astros manager AJ Hinch in the top of the second for arguing a low strike, something that happens every single day across the global landscape of baseball. 


It was the defining cry of a game so horrifying that it led many to ​believe Kulpa had money on the home team.

​​But of course, as is the case with most Disaster Men, America's most Kulpa-ble umpire wasn't satisfied with only one "stomp your feet" moment.


No, he missed the plate all night long, almost willfully blind to the confines of the game he was initially put forth to protect.

If an April 3 game you called is poor enough to elicit gambling conspiracy theories, perhaps it's time to reevaluate the way you operate, instead of trying to stuff the league's managers into lockers and puffing your chest out like a faulty mynah bird.

​​This isn't Kulpa's first disaster.


Searching the Getty Image bank for "Ron Kulpa" results in a who's who of MLB legends being held back from his smirking face. Go ahead. Check! David Ortiz is there. There's Miguel Cabrera! All of them well-respected baseball men getting stomped on by someone who'll never acknowledge their own wrongdoing.

​​The world rails against robot umpires and heightened methods of decision-making. "Why are you changing the great game of baseball?" they whine, fighting against inevitability.


Because, someday, one of America's four major sports will realize the best way to judge major chaotic events isn't by inserting surly old men in the proceedings who've been empowered by the league to think they're unimpeachable.


It worked when the only social media coverage we had was a buzzed-out TV in the window of a barber shop. Now, with the microscope firmly tuned into every game, every day, we simply have to find a way to eliminate petulant problems like Kulpa from the proceedings.


And if I, too, can do anything I want, it'll be more than possible to play the game on the field instead of between the ears of a graying, failed head coach type.