You heard it here first: Mark Stoops is the new John Calipari, and John Calipari is the new Hal Mumme.


Full stop. Boom. There, I said it.


The evidence is mounting, folks, and it's harder and harder to deny the essential truth right now in Lexington: the Kentucky Wildcats ​basketball program is vague, confusing, and maddening. After losing to unranked Alabama for the first time in almost six years, they're anything but dominant. But that rip-roarin' football team? Absolute flames.


I'm calling it right now: the University of Kentucky is a football school until further notice.

How I love this brave new world of ours.


Look, this development is a godsend for most living human people. Few sporting organizations are more eminently hatable than Kentucky men's basketball. Whether it's the mercilessly dominant recruiting or lionization of avowed racist Adolph Rupp or the sleazy rule-violating of Calipari, they're really second only to Duke on the hateability index.

But Kentucky football, what with a lovable bruiser in Benny Snell and ​a refreshingly brazen Josh Allen? This is all unclaimed territory for them. A 10-win season? Snapping a decades-long losing skid against Florida? ​Besting a Big Ten power to cap off bowl season? It's virtually impossible not to pull for these guys.

In fact, the longer this incredible role reversal persists, the better off American society will be. The Pitino-Calipari industrial complex has always been a swamp that needed to be drained. It's a cesspool of shadiness at best and criminality at worst. Rejoice, one and all, rejoice! The most arrogant of basketballing blue bloods are kinda trash.


And on that note, let's give Mark Stoops his Nobel Peace Prize already.