THIS WEEK IN ZLATAN: From Fight Night to Fortnite

Every week, 12up attempts to fathom the gorgeous explosive majesty of America's sweetheart, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, as he makes his goodwill tour around the United States and commits soccer war crimes against the MLS at large .

This week, Big Z did three of these five things:

  • Became the undisputed king of Fortnite
  • Hit a small man in the face on live television
  • Reunified the Korean peninsula using only his winning smile
  • Helped create a game-winning goal despite not being on the pitch at the time
  • Went back in time and invented the Korean peninsula using only his winning smile

1. Zlatan Just See Himself Out, Thanks

Zlatan's wushu is superior to your wushu.

But the big question is why Montreal's Michael Petrasso wasn't arrested for this. It is known in legal circles that placing your head in the path of Zlatan's hands or fists constitutes obstruction of justice.

2. Zlatan Entirely Responsible for This

Hopefully not lost in the brouhaha over Ibra's first-ever red card in MLS is the fact that the Galaxy went on to win the game. And don't act like the big man doesn't deserve 100 percent of the credit due to the fortuitous tactical shift his sending-off forced.

 “When Zlatan got the red card, I played on top and I was able to get a match-winning goal," admitted attacker Ola Kamara of his clutch moment.

Let's be clear: that red card wasn't a red card. It was an assist.

3. Your Epic Games Not Epic Enough for Zlatan

Like literally every other human person in this elegant universe other than myself, Ibra is playing Fortnite. And right on cue, he's steadily producing entire commonplace books worth of prescient quotations and entire Netflix specials worth of comic zingers along the way.

When asked by another player when Fortnite will finally include a Zlatan character, Big Z's response was thoroughly on-brand:

 “Make a Zlatan character? They cannot afford me.”

Zlatan 1, Thanos 0.

 Need to get caught up on the past seven weeks in Zlatan? We've got you covered.