THIS WEEK IN ZLATAN: Zlatans of No Nation

Every week, 12up attempts to fathom the gorgeous explosive majesty of America's sweetheart, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, as he makes his goodwill tour around the United States and commits soccer war crimes against the MLS at large.


This week, Big Z did three of these five things:

  • Was the MVP of Manchester United's annual awards gala
  • Drank a 30-rack of Carlsberg out of Thanos' Infinity Gauntlet and felt literally nothing
  • Was told he won't be picked for the World Cup and declared he was going anyway
  • Performed a mental fatality on David Villa
  • Went back in time and invented soup

Need to get caught up on the past four weeks in Zlatan? We've got you covered.

1. Zlatan Just Laughing at Fun Size David Villa

On Sunday, New York City FC's David Villa joined Zlatan among just five active players with at least 400 goals for club and country.


But look at Villa up there. ESS EMM DEE AITCH. He's supposed to be this famous dude, but he has to take selfies? In Times Square, a place that would still be swarming with camera-ready tourists trying to snap photos with Sheriff Woody and Iron Man and probably freaking Howard the Duck even if a nuclear holocaust was commencing?


Ibra would literally never have this problem. His phone doesn't even have a camera. He doesn't need one, as someone has taken at least one photo of him every 0.75 seconds ever since he arrived on earth from Krypton fully-grown at age 13. 


Nice try, David Villa. You're amateur hour.

2. Zlatan Just Out Here Getting Suntan

Big Z may no longer ply his trade for Manchester United, but he was still the biggest star of the legendary club's annual award ceremony. 


“Here, everything is okay," he said of his new home in Los Angeles. "I enjoy the sun every day." 


If you've ever been to the northwest of England, you know how much that one hurts.

3. Zlatan Win World Cup as One-Man Team

It's official-- Sweden will not be including Ibra in its squad at this summer's World Cup. But the player insists that, yeah, he's absolutely going to Russia for the biggest event in sports regardless.


With that in mind, here are the top 10 nations that Zlatan should consider playing for with the help of some well-placed FIFA bribes:

  1. Asgard
  2. Freedonia
  3. Kashyyyk
  4. Wherever Tommy Wiseu is from
  5. Hyrule
  6. Brobdingnag
  7. Your Mom's House
  8. Mordor
  9. Canada
  10. Westworld