Every week, 12up attempts to fathom the gorgeous explosive majesty of America's sweetheart, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, as he makes his goodwill tour around the United States and commits soccer war crimes against the MLS at large.
This week, Big Z did three of these five things:
- Appeared on late night television and owned the host at his own game
- Won the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest despite it not being July 4th
- Invented mathematics
- Was solely responsible for LA Galaxy's victory over Chicago
- Replaced Donald Glover as young Lando
There is no way to adequately prepare yourself for this segment. But welcome to "This Week in Zlatan."
1. Zlatan Have to Do Everything Around Here
Ibra has played three games. He's scored three goals. And he's only logged 127 total minutes. For those averse to maths, we estimate that this means Zlatan is scoring approximately 42.3 goals in EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF LIFE.
Sure, go ahead and re-check our maths. We did not invent maths; Zlatan most likely invented all the maths. And the poor, pathetic Chicago Fire were left to pick up the pieces Saturday after Ibra did all the work on the way to a 1-0 LA Galaxy victory.
2. Zlatan Everywhere You Want to Be
Ahead of the 2018 World Cup, Visa has inked Ibra as the global face of some big, gigantic marketing something-something. The details really aren't important. The only thing that matters is this:
Zlatan has replaced Morgan Freeman. If there's any justice in the world, he's being edited into future Sunday afternoon TNT broadcasts of The Shawshank Redemption as we speak.
3. Zlatan Put Jimmy in Many Bodybags
Jimmy Kimmel thinks he's such hot stuff, cracking his funny-ha-ha jokes, hosting the Oscars and challenging Sean Hannity to a dance-off or whatever. But he was completely out of his depth when he invited an absolute f---ing force of nature onto his ABC late-night show Tuesday.
J-Kimz just had to go for the low-hanging fruit, didn't he? Luckily, his attempts to diss soccer -- AMERICA'S GAME -- were met with harsh rebukes from his own audience, who turned entirely against him and in favor of that immutably brilliant beast of a saint of a God that we probably don't even deserve as a people, if we're being real.
It's over. In this zero-sum world, Jimmy's show belongs to Zlatan now. And while we're at it, let's make SNL into Zlatan Night Live. Let's put How Zlatan Met Your Mother on CBS. Call up Viola Davis and pitch her on How Zlatan Gets Away With Murder. It only stands to reason.
Need to get caught up on the past two weeks in Zlatan? We've got you covered.