We all know that Rob Gronkowski is an absolute freak of nature. With his incredible athletic talent and lifestyle, there's no doubt that women want him and men want to be him (and some may want him). He's already in the top five for touchdown receptions by a tight end and inside the top 100 (52nd) in history in total TD receptions, which includes wide receivers. 


Here's a fantastic list of nicknames that Deadspin has coined for him over his career.


- Perpetual air-humping machine Rob Gronkowski

- Patriots tight end and erotica protagonist Rob Gronkowski

- Perspiring colossus Rob Gronkowski

- Gregarious tricep Rob Gronkowski

- Beer golem Rob Gronkowski

- Cheerful ogre Rob Gronkowski

- Rob Gronkowski, a bottle of Muscle Milk come to life

- Enormous highlighter Rob Gronkowski

- Rob Gronkowski—the answer to the question “What if an EDM track somehow learned how to play football?”

- Muscle-bound toddler Rob Gronkowski

- Self-aware lump of protein powder Rob Gronkowski

- Rob Gronkowski, who wasn’t born so much as fermented in a vessel for two months

- Human cloud of hookah smoke Rob Gronkowski

- Walking beer pong tournament Rob Gronkowski

- Pass-catching bicep Rob Gronkowski

- Human Spuds MacKenzie Rob Gronkowski

- Extremely tall fifth-grader Rob Gronkowski

- Enchanted beer bong Rob Gronkowski

- Walking Bacardi handle Rob Gronkowski

- Rob Gronkowski—a man perpetually imbued with the spirit of a 1 a.m. flip cup match

- Rob Gronkowski—whose skull houses one 14-oz. official NFL “The Duke” football, and whose -circulatory system is chiefly responsible for the delivery of Natural Light

- Rob Gronkowski, the Incredible Hulk’s younger, more outgoing brother

- Gigantic talking muscle Rob Gronkowski

- Pats protein oaf Rob Gronkowski

- Hops-fueled lummox and part-time NFL tight end Rob Gronkowski

- Rob Gronkowski—a human abnormality whose body is 60% malt beverage

- Rob Gronkowski—who was created in a laboratory when a scientist accidentally spilled a creatine shake on a backpack full of Natty Daddies

- Football steakhead Rob Gronkowski

- Our favorite man-puppy Rob Gronkowski

- Human keg stand Rob Gronkowski

- Rob Gronkowski is what would happen if Dr. Frankenstein created a monster, but instead of -blood, the doctor filled his veins with Keystone Light

- Rob “Yo soy fiesta” Gronkowski

- 6-foot-6 second-grader Rob Gronkowski

- Our favorite human beer keg

- Aruban travel guide Rob Gronkowski


I lost it at “walking beer bong tournament," just fantastic. My second favorite, 6-foot-6 second grader. So true​.


Got a nickname for Gronk? Put it in the comments below!